Letters in my Head: The Beginning

Last summer I was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer.  I had just finished my first year as a tech integrationist after oodles of years in a first grade classroom, and was excited to be moving into a second year.  I had so many ideas and the teachers were moving along at lightning speed.  My summer was a whirlwind as I first faced the fact that my widowed and highly independent mom was having memory problems that were becoming hard to ignore.  My wonderful mother and father in law were both facing serious health issues.  My life was changing at all fronts, and to deal with it I found that I often composed letters in my head.  Most of the time that is where they stayed, swirling and jumping from one crisis to another. I didn't have the time or energy to write them.  I need to let them out. I need to move on. Here are some of my letters.  I've started at the beginning.  There are more to come.  Patti

March, 2012
Dear Self,
What the heck are you doing?  You know you have a lump.  You know you should get it checked out.  I know you've had cysts before.  This one seems a little different doesn't it?  Well maybe not.  If you look sideways you can't even see it!  Just keep an eye on it. After all, you just had a mammogram in October.  It is only March.  How bad could it be?
Love,
Patti

Dear Self,
Shoot, every time you take a shower you feel that lump.  Well that last cyst lasted for about 3 years. Let's just get through the school year.  Good idea.  You'll have more time then to get it checked out.  It's nothing.
Love,
Patti

Elizabeth and I enjoying
the beach.

June 2012
Dear Self,
Okay, you are going to die anyway so now you don't have to worry about the lump anymore.  It was a good idea to ask mom to go to California to see Michael.  You know you are going to have to get on that plane.  You know that plane is NOT your friend.  Oh well.  At least you'll die quickly.  Remember to call and get those Fear of Flying Pills.  If you live through the vacation then you will have to get that lump checked out.  Deal?  Deal.
Sincerely,
Patti

July 2012
Dear Mom,


Mom, Michael and I out on a walk
 with the wonderful Gali Poodle.

I am so glad we lived to get to California.  Death is certain on the way back, so let's enjoy ourselves while we are here.  Yes, Michael's car is wonderful, but no, it is not new anymore.  Yes, the weather is spectacular and no, I don't know why the neighbors aren't out walking. Perhaps they work.  That must be it.  I am so glad that you are still willing to be part of the conversation, but perhaps we will have to give you slips of paper to write your ideas on.  Once you've used that slip of paper, put it in a different pocket.  You have so many topics to choose from and that way we don't have to revisit the same topics every 2 or 3 or 4 minutes.  Never mind.  I will answer the same questions over and over again as long as you are asking and talking.  Don't stop. 
I love you,
Patti

Dear Self,
When you get home (if you do) look into the memory clinic with mom.  Check in with her every day. Maybe you can get everyone to take a day to call her. Spend more time with her, not less.  Help her stay connected to the present.  Remind the kids to call her.  Remind the kids to ask her questions and be gentle.  Take some pictures with her on this trip.  Find out more about dementia and see if there are ways to slow it down.  Eat some walnuts and blueberries.  Share them with mom.
Worried,
Patti

Dear God,
Thank you for the wonderful trip and for getting us back safely.  I know you were in control the whole time.  I just forget to remember that! 
Love,
Patti

Dear Mother in Law,
You are in so much pain with your back and your legs. Let me help you.  I will arrange to take you to the doctor.  Let's go to Rockford.  I know that Doc J will help you.  She is kind and compassionate and follows through.  I will make the appointment.  This is a great time for you to go since Dad is in the nursing home.  He will be well taken care of while you are out for the afternoon. He'll probably sleep while you are gone. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of him when he gets home. 
Love,
Patti

Dear MIL,
I am so glad that we went.  You don't have to live with pain.  Take the steroids and I'll call you tomorrow.  We'll see what the X-ray said.  We can schedule the MRI while Dad is still in the nursing home.  It's the right thing to do.  We have to get this pain figured out. 
Love, Patti

Dear Mammogram Center,
What?  I have to make an appointment with my primary to come and get a lump looked at?  Do you know how hard it was to make this call?  I have a lump in a boob.  You have a machine. What more is there to say?  I hope I have the time to set up an appointment with my primary.  I am kind of busy, you know!
Patti

August 2012
Dear Primary Doctor's Office,
I need to make an appointment with Doc.  I have a lump.  Where? On the right side just above the nipple.  Yes, it's new. Well, sort of new.  Within the last few months.  Okay, see you next week. 
Patti

Dear Doc,
Nice to see you again!  I was hoping you'd say, "Well it's probably nothing but let's get it checked out anyway."  Instead you said, "Yeah, we have to get that looked at,"  You know, they called my house about 10 minutes after I got home to set up the diagnostic.  Is that a bad sign?  I'm going next Monday! 
Your patient and friend,
Patti


Dear Receptionist at Mammogram Center,
First of all, you could smile a little.  You have a pretty nice job.  This center is beautiful.  You have a waterfall in here.  What do you mean I don't have an appointment?  It was cancelled?  Does it look like I got the message?  I wouldn't be standing here in my going to the doctor clothes if I had gotten the message.  I was doing so well pretending that this little appointment would be over before I knew it, and I'd be on my way with GOOD news to the grocery store.  Tomorrow?  I guess I can come back then.  Hopefully the machine will be fixed.
Disappointed,
Patti

Dear Tracy,
You are a wonderful Nurse Navigator.  I could tell by your questions that you were seriously considering my symptoms and yes, I can see the lump too.  So is it bad if I can see it?  Location, location, location!  I think it was pretty smart of it to settle in where I could feel it.  It had great decency to come out and expose itself rather than hide undetected deep within.  My kind of lump.  Anyway I am so small that any lump would be obvious.  Doesn't mean a thing.  Yes, I know.  I'll need an ultrasound.  And probably a biopsy. Yes, I know.
Patti

Dear Girl who does Ultrasounds,
I don't think you are supposed to say, "How long have you haaaaaad thaaaat?  You sounded like I had a third head. Yes, it is a lump.  Why yes, it is bigger than it probably should be.  Yes, I knew I had it.  By the way, did you look in a mirror this morning?  Your hair is a mess.  Touche.  That was a mean thought, but you made me feel bad with your comment. I am already scared.  I pretend well.
Patti

Dear Nurse,
I think you messed up. I called the office to set up an appointment for my mother in law and you said to me, "Doc is just sick for you." I think that was a big clue that I have cancer. I bet you got a report that I haven't seen yet. I don't think you were supposed to say that. It's okay though. You just gave me another day to prepare. Now can I make that appointment for my mother in law?
Sincerely,
Patti

One of God's many windows!

Dear God,
Did you hear that?
Patti







Dear Caitlin, Nick and Elizabeth,
Kids.  I have to have a biopsy.  No big deal. Don't worry until there is something to worry about.  Minor procedure. They are going to stick a needle in my boob and take samples of my spikey looking lump.  It looks kind of like a little monster with spiked hair.  I will be fine. Dad said he would drive me, but I can drive myself.  I have other errands to do.  I'll call you.
Love,
Mom

Dear Nurse with a great name,
So glad to meet you.  Your quiet ways and experience with breast cancer and lumps is extremely reassuring.  I am glad you were with me during the biopsy.  You have a great smile and you said nice things that made me feel safe.  Your lump was malignant.  You are fine.  You are my anchor right now. 
Sincerely,
Patti


Dear Radiology Doctor,

Jeff and Elizabeth at the
fair waiting for the call.

Thank you for calling so promptly.  I was at the state fair pretending to be calm and relaxed.  As soon as the phone rang at 3:01 I knew I had cancer. You always call the tough ones first.  I had the phone in my hand starting at 2:30.   I was nervous waiting for your call. I actually felt like someone or something was about to reach out and grab me. Must be what it feels like knowing someone is following you.   I'm sorry you had to be the one to say it out loud.   Anyway, I have a suggestion.  The next time you have to give someone bad news, please don't start with "I'm sorry."  That is just as bad as hearing that you have cancer, and in a way, it is worse because it stretches it out.  Say it objectively.  Try this:  "Your tests have come back and the tumor is malignant."  Now you can fall all over yourself with being sorry. I know you are.  You were so patient and kind when you did the biopsy.  You don't like to give news like this to anyone.  Actually, hearing the news was a relief in a weird way.  Cancer just got me and I think the anticipation was worse than the grab.  Now I will move on and fight. 
Sincerely,
Patti


Dear God,


One of God's many masterpieces.

Did you hear that?  I am going to be a little needy in the coming months.  Please give me the grace to handle this well.  No need to be a silent partner here. Feel free to take control.  Oh darn.  I forgot you already are in control.  Thank you.
Humanly,
Patti

Dear Cancer,
Are ya kidding me?  I start school in two days.  I don't have time for you.  Please take a seat and I will deal with you when I get a chance.  Oh, you don't wait?  You are the priority?  My health is more important than school?  I am a teacher.  I have cancer.  Oh shit.
Your enemy,
Patti