Letters in My Head: The Surgery and More

August 2012
Dear Self,
Well now you blew it.  You should have gotten extra life insurance before you had the lump looked at.  Are you nuts?  Who thinks of stuff like that when someone tells you that you have cancer?  I guess I am nuts.  I think of stuff like that.  And also I am thinking that I am not going to be a very good patient.  Why couldn't I break my arm?  Why does it have to be breast cancer?  Like there is a better kind?  You are losing it, lady.
Love,
Patti

Dear Kids,
Well I guess I have to have surgery.  And probably a little radiation.  Just like grandma.  She did great when she had hers.  She barely slowed down.  It will be okay, I promise.  Fingers crossed, it will be okay.
Love you.
Mom


Dear Elizabeth,
Yes you should go back to school.  I can't take off Friday to move you in, but dad will go with you.  I will come on Sunday to see your room and bring another load.  I will call you on Tuesday after surgery. You need to be with your friends and your team. 
Love you,
Mom


Dear Mr. Principal,
Sorry I had to give you the bad news.  And I know you care about me more than you care about the work that I do, but I also know that this is going to mess up your school year.  And mine.  And thank you for not saying that, or even hinting at it.  You are the best.
Fondly,
Your integrationist


Dear Staff,
I know that Mr. Principal told you that I have cancer.  Can you believe the timing?  I know you all care.  I can see the sadness in your eyes.  It's okay to talk about it.  You know I process best when I can talk it out.  But after we hash it out a little, work is where I get to be normal for a couple of weeks. Let me work.  Let me be normal as long as I can.  And yes, you can bring me some meals. Just not yet.
Love you all,
Patti


Dear Surgeon,
Okay, when I talk to you today I am bringing my nurse friend and my hubby in case I don't get it.  Please give me the best bad news you can.  I'd like a lumpectomy please, outpatient if possible.  What?  Mastectomy? Are you sure?  Calcifications and big lump and small size equals not what I want to hear.  Who signed me up for this?  Okay, breathe deep.  You can upgrade if you want.  Shop for a better pair.  There has to be something good about this.  I'll get back to you. 
No lumpectomy for me.
Patti


Dear God,
Thanks for the second opinion.  I trust that you know best.  I liked the surgeon, too.  It's not his fault that this has to happen.  I'm glad to know that you agree with my decision to go ahead.  I really don't want to drive out of town to meet with more doctors.  Thanks again for letting me know that I am on the right path.
Love,
Patti 


Dear Volunteer Check in Lady,
You are as sweet as can be, but you may want to volunteer in the gift shop or get new hearing aids.  I really didn't want to shout my name, or the reason I am here.  I am sorry you can't find my name on the sign in sheet and YES, I AM HERE AT THE RIGHT TIME.  Can I say it any louder?  Jeez, everyone in the waiting room now knows that I am here to have a SENTINEL NODE BIOPSY AND A MASTECTOMY.  Thank you for making me say it three times.  I think everyone in the waiting room knows.
Patti


Dear Nurse with the special name,
Oh, I am so glad to see you before the sentinel node biopsy. This test terrifies me.  Scientists can put a man on the moon, but I had to go to the pharmacy, get a tube of numbing medicine and put it on myself at home.  I have saran wrap covering it!  Are you kidding me?  I am going to have a body part chopped off today and this is my warm up?  You don't think you could spare me the humiliation of this one little test and do it while I was asleep?  No, that would be too good to be true.  So I am so glad you are here to hold my hand and spray the cold spray so that it doesn't hurt.  And guess what?  It didn't hurt at all.  Thank you for being there with me.
Your new friend,
Patti

My new goals!  Pain and
nausea control were my top
priorities!

Dear Cancer,
I am sorry to say that I am not very happy you chose to leave the breast and mess around with my lymph nodes.  That wasn't very nice of you, so I am going to have to retaliate.  Not sure how yet, but get ready.  I'm coming after you.  There is nowhere to hide!
Your enemy,
Patti







Dear Mr. Principal,
Thanks for sending me the picture text.  It is awesome that the whole staff wore pink today to support me.  I can feel the love.  It will help.  It already has because I am smiling!
Wish I were at school,
Patti


Dear Cancer,
Why me?
Patti


Dear Caitlin,

The salt and pepper shakers my
daughter brought me following
my mastectomy!

Thanks for the salt and pepper shakers and the cheesy popcorn.  I can always count on you for a gift and a good laugh.  I don't think you thought this one through.  I just had a boob cut off and you bring me owl salt and pepper shakers. Ever hear of Hooters?  Well, we got a hooter down here. I thought I was going to fall out of bed when dad said that and turned one of them over.  I never really thought about it before, but why does a hospital gift shop sell salt and pepper shakers?  Weird.  Whatever, they will always make me laugh.  Always.
Love,
Mom


Dear Self,
Well, now that you are home you are going to have to deal with these drains.  I thought that might be really sickening, but it isn't too bad.  Remember when people stop by, you can throw a dish towel over your shoulder and then no one will really notice you are missing a body part.  Yeah, that'll work.  For a while. 
Patti

September 2012
Dear Chemo Patients,

Every time I checked in, I
got one of these bracelets.

I saw you in the treatment room when they checked me in.  Why are you all in one big room?  What if you throw up?  I tried not to stare at you, but I couldn't help myself.  Some of you looked gray, and swollen and bald.  I AM NOT READY to be in your club.  I do not want this bracelet on my arm because it means I am one of you.  I am afraid to be in your club.
Patti







Dear Oncologist,
Nice to meet you. Not really.  I'd rather meet anyone but you.   I heard you weren't very friendly, but you seem pretty smart.  Right now I don't need any new friends, but I sure could use someone to help me get rid of cancer.  I would like a little radiation please.  I can probably fit it in after school.  What?  Chemo?   Four rounds of the really powerful stuff and then 12 weeks of a follow-up knockout punch?  Can't think of a better way to spend the next 5 months.  Sure, I can get a port put in by next week.  How the heck do I do that?  Remember, this is my first time at the rodeo.  You may have to say things twice or a little slower.  I am new at this.  And here is just one last question.  Will I be able to teach? 
Patti


Dear God,
Did you hear that?  Chemo?  I'm not sure I can handle that.  Will you please give me better hair the second time around?  I hear the stuff I have now won't be hanging around.
Patti

One of the many beautiful
flowers that friends and family
sent.

Dear Mail Lady and Florist,
I bet you've noticed that I've been getting a lot of cards and deliveries lately.  Do you ever wonder why? Do you make guesses about what is going on in the houses you visit?  I have a feeling I will be getting a lot of bright colored envelopes designed to cheer me up.  You will be my link to the world I used to know.  I'm counting on you.
Watching for you,
Patti


Dear Self,
Yeah, getting the port put in the day before chemo probably wasn't a good idea.  Who knew you shouldn't go into chemo dehydrated?  How could that be avoided when you couldn't eat or drink before a 4 o'clock surgery?  Shouldn't that be in a manual somewhere?  Maybe I will have to write it.
Love,
Patti


Dear 11/29/59
That is you now.  Your birthday seems to be awfully important to these folks.  Good thing it has a flow to it.  Looks like you are going to be getting a lot of these bracelets.  Too bad they don't come in colors.  Welcome to Club Cancer.  Chemo is the way out.  Right this way, please.

Love,
Patti

Letters in my Head: The Beginning

Last summer I was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer.  I had just finished my first year as a tech integrationist after oodles of years in a first grade classroom, and was excited to be moving into a second year.  I had so many ideas and the teachers were moving along at lightning speed.  My summer was a whirlwind as I first faced the fact that my widowed and highly independent mom was having memory problems that were becoming hard to ignore.  My wonderful mother and father in law were both facing serious health issues.  My life was changing at all fronts, and to deal with it I found that I often composed letters in my head.  Most of the time that is where they stayed, swirling and jumping from one crisis to another. I didn't have the time or energy to write them.  I need to let them out. I need to move on. Here are some of my letters.  I've started at the beginning.  There are more to come.  Patti

March, 2012
Dear Self,
What the heck are you doing?  You know you have a lump.  You know you should get it checked out.  I know you've had cysts before.  This one seems a little different doesn't it?  Well maybe not.  If you look sideways you can't even see it!  Just keep an eye on it. After all, you just had a mammogram in October.  It is only March.  How bad could it be?
Love,
Patti

Dear Self,
Shoot, every time you take a shower you feel that lump.  Well that last cyst lasted for about 3 years. Let's just get through the school year.  Good idea.  You'll have more time then to get it checked out.  It's nothing.
Love,
Patti

Elizabeth and I enjoying
the beach.

June 2012
Dear Self,
Okay, you are going to die anyway so now you don't have to worry about the lump anymore.  It was a good idea to ask mom to go to California to see Michael.  You know you are going to have to get on that plane.  You know that plane is NOT your friend.  Oh well.  At least you'll die quickly.  Remember to call and get those Fear of Flying Pills.  If you live through the vacation then you will have to get that lump checked out.  Deal?  Deal.
Sincerely,
Patti

July 2012
Dear Mom,


Mom, Michael and I out on a walk
 with the wonderful Gali Poodle.

I am so glad we lived to get to California.  Death is certain on the way back, so let's enjoy ourselves while we are here.  Yes, Michael's car is wonderful, but no, it is not new anymore.  Yes, the weather is spectacular and no, I don't know why the neighbors aren't out walking. Perhaps they work.  That must be it.  I am so glad that you are still willing to be part of the conversation, but perhaps we will have to give you slips of paper to write your ideas on.  Once you've used that slip of paper, put it in a different pocket.  You have so many topics to choose from and that way we don't have to revisit the same topics every 2 or 3 or 4 minutes.  Never mind.  I will answer the same questions over and over again as long as you are asking and talking.  Don't stop. 
I love you,
Patti

Dear Self,
When you get home (if you do) look into the memory clinic with mom.  Check in with her every day. Maybe you can get everyone to take a day to call her. Spend more time with her, not less.  Help her stay connected to the present.  Remind the kids to call her.  Remind the kids to ask her questions and be gentle.  Take some pictures with her on this trip.  Find out more about dementia and see if there are ways to slow it down.  Eat some walnuts and blueberries.  Share them with mom.
Worried,
Patti

Dear God,
Thank you for the wonderful trip and for getting us back safely.  I know you were in control the whole time.  I just forget to remember that! 
Love,
Patti

Dear Mother in Law,
You are in so much pain with your back and your legs. Let me help you.  I will arrange to take you to the doctor.  Let's go to Rockford.  I know that Doc J will help you.  She is kind and compassionate and follows through.  I will make the appointment.  This is a great time for you to go since Dad is in the nursing home.  He will be well taken care of while you are out for the afternoon. He'll probably sleep while you are gone. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of him when he gets home. 
Love,
Patti

Dear MIL,
I am so glad that we went.  You don't have to live with pain.  Take the steroids and I'll call you tomorrow.  We'll see what the X-ray said.  We can schedule the MRI while Dad is still in the nursing home.  It's the right thing to do.  We have to get this pain figured out. 
Love, Patti

Dear Mammogram Center,
What?  I have to make an appointment with my primary to come and get a lump looked at?  Do you know how hard it was to make this call?  I have a lump in a boob.  You have a machine. What more is there to say?  I hope I have the time to set up an appointment with my primary.  I am kind of busy, you know!
Patti

August 2012
Dear Primary Doctor's Office,
I need to make an appointment with Doc.  I have a lump.  Where? On the right side just above the nipple.  Yes, it's new. Well, sort of new.  Within the last few months.  Okay, see you next week. 
Patti

Dear Doc,
Nice to see you again!  I was hoping you'd say, "Well it's probably nothing but let's get it checked out anyway."  Instead you said, "Yeah, we have to get that looked at,"  You know, they called my house about 10 minutes after I got home to set up the diagnostic.  Is that a bad sign?  I'm going next Monday! 
Your patient and friend,
Patti


Dear Receptionist at Mammogram Center,
First of all, you could smile a little.  You have a pretty nice job.  This center is beautiful.  You have a waterfall in here.  What do you mean I don't have an appointment?  It was cancelled?  Does it look like I got the message?  I wouldn't be standing here in my going to the doctor clothes if I had gotten the message.  I was doing so well pretending that this little appointment would be over before I knew it, and I'd be on my way with GOOD news to the grocery store.  Tomorrow?  I guess I can come back then.  Hopefully the machine will be fixed.
Disappointed,
Patti

Dear Tracy,
You are a wonderful Nurse Navigator.  I could tell by your questions that you were seriously considering my symptoms and yes, I can see the lump too.  So is it bad if I can see it?  Location, location, location!  I think it was pretty smart of it to settle in where I could feel it.  It had great decency to come out and expose itself rather than hide undetected deep within.  My kind of lump.  Anyway I am so small that any lump would be obvious.  Doesn't mean a thing.  Yes, I know.  I'll need an ultrasound.  And probably a biopsy. Yes, I know.
Patti

Dear Girl who does Ultrasounds,
I don't think you are supposed to say, "How long have you haaaaaad thaaaat?  You sounded like I had a third head. Yes, it is a lump.  Why yes, it is bigger than it probably should be.  Yes, I knew I had it.  By the way, did you look in a mirror this morning?  Your hair is a mess.  Touche.  That was a mean thought, but you made me feel bad with your comment. I am already scared.  I pretend well.
Patti

Dear Nurse,
I think you messed up. I called the office to set up an appointment for my mother in law and you said to me, "Doc is just sick for you." I think that was a big clue that I have cancer. I bet you got a report that I haven't seen yet. I don't think you were supposed to say that. It's okay though. You just gave me another day to prepare. Now can I make that appointment for my mother in law?
Sincerely,
Patti

One of God's many windows!

Dear God,
Did you hear that?
Patti







Dear Caitlin, Nick and Elizabeth,
Kids.  I have to have a biopsy.  No big deal. Don't worry until there is something to worry about.  Minor procedure. They are going to stick a needle in my boob and take samples of my spikey looking lump.  It looks kind of like a little monster with spiked hair.  I will be fine. Dad said he would drive me, but I can drive myself.  I have other errands to do.  I'll call you.
Love,
Mom

Dear Nurse with a great name,
So glad to meet you.  Your quiet ways and experience with breast cancer and lumps is extremely reassuring.  I am glad you were with me during the biopsy.  You have a great smile and you said nice things that made me feel safe.  Your lump was malignant.  You are fine.  You are my anchor right now. 
Sincerely,
Patti


Dear Radiology Doctor,

Jeff and Elizabeth at the
fair waiting for the call.

Thank you for calling so promptly.  I was at the state fair pretending to be calm and relaxed.  As soon as the phone rang at 3:01 I knew I had cancer. You always call the tough ones first.  I had the phone in my hand starting at 2:30.   I was nervous waiting for your call. I actually felt like someone or something was about to reach out and grab me. Must be what it feels like knowing someone is following you.   I'm sorry you had to be the one to say it out loud.   Anyway, I have a suggestion.  The next time you have to give someone bad news, please don't start with "I'm sorry."  That is just as bad as hearing that you have cancer, and in a way, it is worse because it stretches it out.  Say it objectively.  Try this:  "Your tests have come back and the tumor is malignant."  Now you can fall all over yourself with being sorry. I know you are.  You were so patient and kind when you did the biopsy.  You don't like to give news like this to anyone.  Actually, hearing the news was a relief in a weird way.  Cancer just got me and I think the anticipation was worse than the grab.  Now I will move on and fight. 
Sincerely,
Patti


Dear God,


One of God's many masterpieces.

Did you hear that?  I am going to be a little needy in the coming months.  Please give me the grace to handle this well.  No need to be a silent partner here. Feel free to take control.  Oh darn.  I forgot you already are in control.  Thank you.
Humanly,
Patti

Dear Cancer,
Are ya kidding me?  I start school in two days.  I don't have time for you.  Please take a seat and I will deal with you when I get a chance.  Oh, you don't wait?  You are the priority?  My health is more important than school?  I am a teacher.  I have cancer.  Oh shit.
Your enemy,
Patti

Second Day of Summer-What to Do?

I spent almost all day yesterday making appointments, making lists of things to do and just trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I was once again on summer break. With a cold cloudy day facing me, I was just happy I didn't have to put on anything better than sweats and I lazily watched the morning float by. But then today was sunny and more importantly was the second day of summer. No more could I just let the day pass. I have lists of lists in my head, and need to get them separated and prioritized. Of course, my iPad was sitting on the table and it was calling my name. After failing once again to crush the candy I moved on to Facebook and then twitter. I had been reading twitter feeds consistently for about two months but hadn't really participated. All of this has to change. I need to build a new PLN if I am going to survive next fall.  Today was the second day of summer, but my first day of learning something new. By the end of the morning my kitchen wasn't any cleaner, the cupboards weren't any more organized, but I was following 40 new people on twitter and all of them had something to do with 4th grade. I am so excited to see where this leads.